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Surrender

True change only comes when we surrender . It's something we resist because it's associated with failure and defeat. We also naturally protect ourselves from the grief that goes along with it at first. To surrender we must give up. We have to admit that we can't change what happened, or how we reacted, or how someone else dealt with something ...or didn't. We now look at the writing on the wall, accepting it, then base our next decisions on that reality. Denial says it didn't happen, or won't discuss it. Bargaining says, "but if " or "what if" and is disappointed when the "if " doesn't happen or doesn't turn out the way they thought. Bargaining spends a lot of time strategising, worrying, controlling and is exhausting. At some point you must give up and surrender.

At this time of year surrendering can be really hard with so many manufactured images of a perfect family or perfect children, as well as perfect thoughtfulness, altruism and romantic love. Think right now of something that typically happens every year around this time to you as a pattern or in connection to your family etc. Maybe every year you break your head to find a gift that will finally touch a loved one's heart...get them to open up more so you can be close again, or repair some aspect between you. You've tried for many years and nothing is having this effect. What do you typically feel about this? You may have adopted an acceptance that you'll give to them for your own pleasure of giving without expecting them to change. More often though, you withdraw and feel hurt in a situation like that. Some people easily decide to stop giving gifts to this person and back off. Others will try even harder next year.

Surrender in a situation like this would mean giving up on the struggle to please, save or touch this person. It may mean accepting that there's a limit to their capacity to connect, react or show appreciation for you. You let go and stop those actions ....that feeling of pushing and striving dissipates. You are relieved. You see this person for who they are not as you would like them to be. You make a decision based on thinking, "How do I need to make a change so that I am loving to myself in this situation" and you do it.

You are surrendering your struggle - you are also surrendering the outcome! This is the scariest part. You are in effect saying " I have no idea or control over how my action of loving myself will affect this person, myself and the people around us." It will have an effect - trust me. It may surprise you for better or worse, but in your own heart and soul you will be liberated by your decision to love yourself instead of being externally focused on pleasing. I believe - I know - that when you act in alignment with love for yourself you will act with courage and integrity, and even though people don't like ti when we change the rules, they will be given an opportunity to heal themselves in reaction to your action.

I realize this is difficult to do around the holidays, but it is also the most potent time to face these issues because of the heightened glamorizing of relationships and material comforts. So if you find yourself in a trying situation, or catch yourself in a pattern you no longer like in your life, go sit somewhere and say I love you to yourself....over and over until you calm down. Then say, " I surrender...the situation is in higher hands than my own."